


How to Live Again

by DaniCarli



Series: ETNuary Challenge [1]
Category: Escape the Night (Web Series)
Genre: Anger, Angst with a Happy Ending, Baby, Bonding, Cemetery, Character Death, Death, ETNuary, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, F/M, Family, Family Bonding, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, Learning to Trust Again, Male-Female Friendship, Minor Character Death, Moving On, Near Death Experiences, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Purgatory, Recovery, Resurrection, Society Against Evil, Support, Survival, Survivor Guilt, Trauma, Trust, Trust Issues, Unconditional Love, Understanding, adjusting to life, common ground, grave removal, lot of crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:07:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22073749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaniCarli/pseuds/DaniCarli
Summary: As Colleen adjusts to being alive again, she reunites with a fellow survivor to learn how to move forward, live in her new reality, and that sometimes, there are people who will understand.
Relationships: The Disco Dancer | Colleen Ballinger/Erik Stocklin
Series: ETNuary Challenge [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1588867
Comments: 20
Kudos: 33





	1. Process

**Author's Note:**

> Day 1 of ETNuary: Colleen Ballinger

Being declared undead is not as simple as Colleen expected.

For two months since her return from Purgatory, the former Disco Dancer/Duchess and her family had to go through the difficult process of proving that she, Colleen Mae Ballinger, is officially alive. There was a lot of proof of documentation, lab work, the whole stressful shebang, and it was very overwhelming.

But when the court finally approved and acknowledged that she was indeed alive, it was ordered to have her grave in the cemetery, where almost all the YouTubers who died from those nights rest, be removed. Despite her mother’s objections, Colleen decided to bear witness; she had to. It wasn’t easy.

It’s been an emotionally draining two months, which is not something she needs to add to her PTSD. That and the fact that she can’t exactly spill the truth of what actually happened to her.

The cover story the Society Against Evil had her go with is that she was stolen from Everlock and shipped off to Europe where she spent the last nine months ( _God, I’ve been gone that long?_ ) with no way to contact her loved ones. The world can never know that she was invited to save a town trapped in the 1970s from a demonic Carnival Master. The world can never know that she had to survive against evil clowns, an actual Snake Woman, and literal dolls with knives. But most of all, the world can never know that she died, murdered by her friends who turned on her and threw her into a box of spikes.

Then there’s the whole deal with her former friend, Joey Graceffa, going on a rescue mission to Purgatory to save her and others. How she had to, for the second time, fight for her life, watch friends die, get killed again, then be revived by a _genie_ of all things. The world can never know that she and Bretman Rock were the only survivors, or that Joey stayed behind for reasons she can’t comprehend.

Even now, Colleen still can’t process that all this horror happened, especially her dying twice and then coming back to life. She still can’t believe that people she once called her friends tried to kill her, succeeded, and because of that, destroyed her faith in humanity and the ability to trust others. Colleen knows that her life will never be the same ever. And seeing her own grave sure doesn’t help.

_In Loving Memory of Colleen Mae Ballinger_  
_1986-2018_  
_Beloved Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Friend_  
_A Beautiful Angel singing from the clouds_

Seeing her headstone, knowing that it’s _her_ body buried beneath there, is a lot to take in. Colleen at first wasn’t sure how the Society was going to explain that the body her family buried when it was retrieved from Everlock along with the six others who were killed wasn’t her.

But when she came home, despite the trauma on both sides, there was nothing but tears and joy; it didn’t matter who was buried, just that Colleen was alive and safe. But it still weirds her out, and she wonders how any of it makes sense.

“Are you alright?” a soft male voice next to Colleen asks. She breaks from her thoughts and turns to Erik Stocklin, her boyfriend-turned fiance, the love of her life. “I can only imagine how this must be for you.”

Colleen takes a deep breath and stares ahead as the cemetery workers remove her headstone, her parents overseeing the process. She paints on a smile and takes Erik’s hand.

“It’s hard,” she responds, “but it’s a step forward and a reminder that I’m home and can start over.”

“I agree,” Erik nods as he stares down at Colleen’s small bump beneath her loose blue dress. “Especially with the changes that are to come.”

Light fills Colleen as she rests her hands on her stomach, feeling her son grow inside her. Everyone was shocked and saw it as a miracle when Colleen announced two weeks ago that she and Erik were expecting their first child. The truth is, she always knew, even as she fought for her life. But it would be impossible to explain, not to mention completely bonkers. She wasn’t even sure if she actually was pregnant while in Purgatory, or it was all just a memory of what could have been. So, to be safe, she spent some “alone” time with Erik, making the excuse that she waited so long to be with him. He never questioned it and neither did her family. This is the life Colleen wanted, and despite the nightmare she went through, she is finally getting it.

“I can’t wait to meet him,” she bemuses as she rubs her stomach.

Erik stares in confusion. “Him? It’s a little early to know what our child is. How are you so certain it’s a boy?”

“Oh, I just know, I can feel it,” Colleen shrugs, unable to tell him the full truth. “Either way, after everything that happened to me, this is a gift.”

“Couldn’t agree more,” Erik responds, squeezing her hand as if he never wants to let go. Colleen feels safe with him, she feels safe with her family.

Even with her faith in people burned to the ground, she’s trying to get it back. Erik and her family have been nothing but loving and supportive, helping her to assimilate back into society. Her best friend, Kory DeSoto, has been the biggest help and proved he’s someone she can count on. Even Todrick Hall and Lilly Singh have upped their game as great friends. But despite all that, none of them can possibly understand the hell she endured, especially the main source of her trauma: her deaths ( _plural _).__

__How can they? How can anyone? Only Joey understood and he promised to help her through it once they escaped from Purgatory; he was the one she could trust with that, despite his flaws and misdeeds. But then, for some reason, he didn’t come through the portal; he just gave a suspicious smile that was almost sinister and ran back into the museum. No one, not even the Society Against Evil, has heard from him since._ _

__She also had Bretman, her survival partner. But given the things that went down between them while fighting for their lives, she isn’t sure if the younger man wants anything to do with her._ _

__He also wouldn’t understand. He never died. Not to mention that he’s best friends with Colleen’s two-time murderer, Nikita Dragun, whom Colleen hasn’t spoken to since coming through the portal that night. She had quite a lot to say to the former Troublemaker, threatening to make the bitch pay for killing her again. Whether or not she’ll enact on that threat, Colleen doesn’t know, but if an opportunity arises where she can have some form of justice, she might take it. It’s what Nikita deserves._ _

__And then there’s Matthew Patrick. _What is he up to?__ _

__“Hey, isn’t that the Game Theory dude?” Erik suddenly asks, pointing to her left. Colleen looks up, and lo and behold, she spots the back of a young man with brown hair and a recognizable red jacket. Knowing the theorist for years, it is indeed Matt._ _

__“Yeah it is,” Colleen responds, surprised to see Matt at the cemetery. Why is he here?_ _

__Before she can stop herself, Colleen breaks from Erik and heads over to the Everlock survivor, calling his name. “Hey Matt!”_ _

__Matt stops and turns around, shocked to see who called out to him._ _

__“Colleen, hey!” the former Detective turned Society member nervously breathes out. In his hands is a bouquet of different bright -colored flowers as he shuffles his sneakers in the cemetery's grass._ _

__“Hi,” Colleen responds, feeling the awkwardness between the two of them. It’s been a while since they saw each other, and it’s admittedly weird, especially after the last exchange they had. Both seem like they don’t know what to do. Thankfully, Erik breaks the tension._ _

__“Hi! MatPat, right?” he asks, extending his hand._ _

__Matt produces a smile and shakes Erik’s hand._ _

__“Yeah, I remember you. You’re Erik, Colleen’s boyfriend.”_ _

__“Fiance now,” Colleen corrects, holding up her left hand which displays a pink stone._ _

__Matt brightens up. “Oh, yeah, I saw your video. Congrats.”_ _

__“Thanks, it was quite a whim,” Erik nervously chuckles._ _

__“Sure was!” Colleen adds in, remembering Erik’s proposal, how funny and sweet it was._ _

__Matt nods, keeping his smile plastered. He looks over the two and spots the workers. “So, what’s going on?”_ _

__“Oh,” Colleen says, nervous again. “The court finally declared me alive, and my grave is finally being removed.”_ _

__“Wow, that’s great! I’m happy for you!” the theorist responds, hugging the flowers against his chest._ _

__Colleen stares at the bouquet, almost having an idea of why Matt’s here. Yet she asks. “You?”_ _

__“Why am I here? Oh, I...” Matt stutters, nervousness embodied with new sadness, “I was on my way to see Ro.”_ _

__Colleen’s heart drops, remorse and guilt filling up inside her. It was a touchy subject, a reason she and Matt haven’t interacted in a while. It’s been a lot since that night._ _

__“I’m sorry, that must be rough,” Erik expresses comfort._ _

__Matt only shrugs. “I’ve been doing it once a month since my...my return. I thought I would be over it, but for some reason, I’m not.”_ _

__Colleen breathes in, trying to prevent tears from filling her eyes. She knows exactly what Matt’s talking about._ _

__“I miss her too,” is her only response. What else can she say? Matt nods, agreeing and understanding._ _

__Then, something comes over Colleen. “May I join you?”_ _

__Matt stares at her, not expecting that._ _

__“Honestly,” Colleen continues, “I can’t stand watching the reminder that I was declared dead, so I would like a break from that. Plus, I haven’t really gotten to say goodbye to Ro since...” Her words trail off._ _

__There is a brief silence between the three. Matt’s face is a bit ambiguous. Finally, he smiles and nods._ _

__“You know what, I would love the company. I’m sure Ro would love to see you too.”_ _

__Colleen folds her lips and looks at Erik. He nods, squeezing her hand again._ _

__“I’ll let your parents know,” he says. “I’ll come get you later.”_ _

__Colleen leans over and kisses her fiance on the cheek. “I love you.”_ _

__Erik responds, kissing her hand. “I love you too.”_ _

__With that, Erik walks back to her parents. Colleen turns to Matt._ _

__“You ready?” he asks._ _

__Colleen nods, ready to take the next step. “Let’s go see her.”_ _


	2. Resolve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt and Colleen arrive at Rosanna's grave. What is a time to process and mourn becomes a discussion of grief, anger, confessions, and resolve to heal and move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning on doing a Part 2 to this fic. Sorry it took me awhile. Expect tears, angst, some swearing, and a bit sadness.

The walk to Rosanna’s grave is quite a dreary one. It only takes about two minutes, but it feels longer than that, especially when passing through a section of cemetery marked specifically for the YouTubers who died in the three massacres.

As she and Matt make their way through, Colleen catches a glimpse of the graves of other fallen internet personalities, spotting names that are all too familiar. Some are friends, like GloZell Green, who Colleen knew back when she was still a happy and innocent vlogger who made sketches and followed silly trends. Others, however, are reminders that make Colleen feel sick with regret.

The brunette woman always thought she was a kind, loving person and a loyal friend to everyone around her. But when she sees the headstones of Teala Dunn, Gabbie Hanna, Tana Mongeau, and even Destorm Power, it reminds Colleen of the times when she was anything but _that_.

 _I’m sorry, Teala!_ Colleen tears up as she passes the grave of the late Super Spy. She remembers the younger girl as sweet, bubbly, and a social butterfly who could talk your ear off. Before all the madness in Everlock, the two were very close friends. They even carpooled together with Manny to the town, all excited to take part in a “major collab” with their other friends. But then, everything went to shit when it was revealed that in order to save Everlock, the group had to not only survive the night and cleanse evil artifacts, but kill each other to do it.

In an instant, it was as if all those years of friendship went out the window for Colleen concerning Teala. The former Disco Dancer became competitive, desperate, her mind telling her to do whatever it took to survive, even if it meant turning on friends. She no doubt _did_ turn on poor Teala. The Super Spy tried her hardest to help and survive, but in the game of survival, trying just didn’t cut it. In her mind that night, Colleen had no problem wanting Teala gone, treating it as if she were just voting the younger girl off the island and not to _die_. Colleen didn’t care then, but she definitely cares now. And damn it, does the guilt hurt!

 _She probably died believing we hated her_ , Colleen remorsefully thinks to herself as she follows Matt. _It must have broken her heart to see people she thought were her friends turn on her and want her_ dead _!_

Thinking about it, Colleen feels like a hypocrite given how the same thing kind of happened to her later on that night. When it was her turn to die, Colleen was on the receiving end of similar betrayal. It was one of the worst moments of the vlogger’s life, a moment that destroyed her faith in humanity, shattered her trust in others, unsure of who her real friends were. And it hurts even more to remember that hours before that nightmare, she treated Teala the exact same way. Heck, Colleen did it to a lot of people soon after in Purgatory.

_What does that say about me as a person now?_

“We’re here!” Matt announces as the two stop in front of one headstone. Colleen takes a look and nearly gasps, small tears producing in her brown eyes.

Unlike some of the other headstones, Rosanna’s grave is sculpted in the image of an angel, her hands pressed together in prayer as she gazes upon the plaque in the ground that’s surrounded by flowers and notes.

_In Loving Memory of Rosanna Pansino_  
_1985-2018_  
_Loving Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Friend, Angel_

Below Rosanna’s name is a sentence in another language, which Colleen guesses is Italian. It would make sense, given that Rosanna took such pride in her Italian heritage.

As Colleen stares at the angel, she can still picture the smaller girl’s bright smile that would light up every room. She can still hear Rosanna’s joyful laugh from her videos and the times when Colleen would come over to hang out. When even was the last time the two women experienced such happiness together?

“Hey, Ro,” a quiver in Matt’s voice as he kneels down and lays the bouquet of flowers at the feet of the angel. He smiles at the statue as if it were the small baker herself. “Look who came to see you?”

Matt gestures to Colleen, who’s hesitant to step forward now. She’s even starting to regret coming here with the theorist to see their late friend. It doesn’t feel right for her to be at Rosanna’s grave, alive and well, especially after what happened the last time she saw the other girl.

But Colleen musters up the courage and carefully kneels down next to Matt. The former Detective stares at her, as if expecting Colleen to respond or say something. But that’s the thing, Colleen doesn’t even know _what_ to say!

“Hi, Ro,” are the first words Colleen can find. The angel looks down, but it feels like it’s staring back at Colleen, an all too familiar sadness on its face. It feels strange, talking as if Rosanna is right there in front of them. As if she’s alive and having a conversation with the two survivors, rather than six feet under, dead. The brunette drops her gaze and stares at the plaque. “This still doesn’t feel real.”

“Yeah, tell me about it!” Matt remarks. “When Joey told Nikita and I that there was a way to bring everyone back, I was so hopeful! After losing Ro, there was finally chance that I would save her and bring her home. That we would be able to heal together and things would go back to normal. That what happened to all of us would be nothing but a forgotten nightmare.”

Colleen snorts. “Well, I guess things don’t turn out the way that we want! In the end, I was the only one to come back, while the others stayed dead. The mission ended up being nothing but a total _failure_!” The vlogger scrunches her face, immediately regretting her words. “I’m sorry, that was rude. This is supposed to be a nice moment, and already I’m being negative. I _swear_ I need to learn when to shut up or just not say anything at all!”

“No, it’s fine.” Matt turns to her, his face sincere and understanding. “But I disagree. Even if you were the only one, Colleen, it wasn’t entirely a failure. Better one than _none_! The fact that you were saved means that night wasn’t all for nothing.”

“Even though we lost Ro again?” Colleen looks towards the marble plaque with remorse. It’s been two months and the shame of what went down still eats at her.

Matt is quiet for a moment before speaking up. “I’ll admit that I was devastated when Ro didn’t make it, that I lost her again, this time for good. But seeing you alive after what happened in the maze...at least _you_ made it out. Her death wasn’t in vain.”

 _I guess_ , Colleen thinks to herself as she clutches her stomach, feeling her baby boy move. She doesn’t want to stress herself out, but the pain in her heart continues to hurt.

“She was a fighter,” Colleen assures Matt, hoping to lighten his sorrow. “She proved herself so much and stayed strong to the very end. You would have been so proud of her.”

Matt nods, trying to fight back tears. “I knew Ro was a fighter, even before Everlock. And I was _always_ proud of her. She might’ve been a cinnamon roll, but she was an absolute tough cookie who wanted to protect others and prove herself.” Then his eyes darken. “Too bad it wasn’t enough for Joey to save her.”

Anxiety, guilt, and despair heightens within Colleen. She knows what Matt’s talking about, and the memory is still so vivid in her mind--the icy chill of the cold night, the sounds of the Socialite screaming bloody murder, followed by the roars of the dinosaurs as they ripped her little body apart. Colleen can still smell the horrid vileness of the dinosaur pool, as well as the blood and the sweat. When the screams finally ceased and the raptors ran off, all that remained was the gruesome sight of the once beautiful and kind cinnamon roll that even now makes Colleen feel nauseous. What was left of Rosanna Pansino was a bloody, limbless, mangled mess under the Prehistoric moon.

But the worst part was the look on Rosanna’s dead face. Beneath the blood and dirt were her lifeless eyes, still wet from her final tears, staring back at Colleen, Joey, and Bretman. It was a face of fear, but also of sorrow and heartbreak, as if asking why they did this to her. Like Colleen’s death in Everlock, Rosanna died a painful bloody death, likely believing that her friends wanted her dead, that her life wasn’t worth saving. It was a horrible moment that still haunts Colleen to this day.

“It was a _rescue_ mission, Joey was supposed to make things right for _everyone_ ,” Matt continues, not noticing Colleen’s struggle. “So what I don’t understand is that after _everything_ Rosanna did for Joey, after being nothing but a devoted friend to him, why was it so important to the man that she had to prove herself in a death challenge? Why did it matter so much whether or not she fought for her life yet?”

“I don’t know, honey,” Colleen sadly replies. But the truth is, she kind of has an idea. Colleen recalls Joey promising that he was going to save her and bring her home, no matter what it took. Whether or not that’s the main reason Joey turned on Rosanna, Colleen doesn’t know. Then again, Colleen doesn’t know what Joey Graceffa is capable of anymore. If it’s true and he killed Rosanna to protect the Duchess, it would make Colleen feel a lot worse, adding on to the guilt she already feels for her part in the Socialite’s death.

“I’m so sorry, Ro,” the brunette woman softly whimpers as she places her hand on the angel’s cheek. “You didn’t deserve to die. You deserve to be here too!”

Colleen feels a hand slowly touch her shoulder, almost comforting her. She turns to see Matt, who has tears also sliding down his face. Colleen eyes switch to the flowers on the ground, too ashamed to look him in the eyes. _His best friend is dead, and he’s_ comforting _me? Doesn’t he remember the last time we saw each other?_

“Matt, how are you not mad at me?” Colleen asks abruptly. She knows that he shouldn’t be, but Colleen can’t help but feel like he should.

Matt’s face changes, almost as if he’s confused by the question. “Why would I be mad at you?”

Colleen wipes her tears and takes a deep breath to avoid a breakdown. “For surviving instead of Ro, for being cold and distant since returning, for so _many_ things! Hell, for what happened the last time I saw you! When I told you the truth about Ro’s death...”

“Oh, yeah, _that_ ,” Matt nods. He takes his hand off of Colleen’s shoulder and looks back at the angel with a new sense of sadness, but also slight anger. But it’s not directed towards the woman next to him.

Colleen remembers it as if it were yesterday. After coming through the portal, dealing with the aftermath of Joey disappearing, and her spat with Nikita, Matt and the Asian Society man escorted Colleen to the hospital, while the blonde Society woman stayed behind with Nikita and Bretman. Even though it was obvious that Matt was sad about Rosanna, he was so nice to Colleen on the ride over, apologizing for failing her in the maze, grateful that she was alive, and reassuring her that everything was going to be okay.

But everything was not okay. Joey disappeared once again, and Colleen didn’t (and still doesn’t) know whether or not her former best friend survived being dusted and sent to Hell. If so, where did he go? Why didn’t he come back?

And then there was the matter of Rosanna. Whether the Savant was alive or dead, Colleen was going to tell Matt the truth. Even if Joey did save her life (and a selfish part of Colleen was relieved by it), she wasn’t going to protect him and lie about what he did to the baker. As someone who hates when people lie and keep secrets, Colleen would be a hypocrite to do the same and hide the truth from the man who was not only Rosanna’s best friend, but basically a brother to the smaller girl. Matt needed to know, and she spent the long drive trying to find how she could best tell him.

But when they checked into the hospital and waited for Colleen’s family to be notified, things took an overwhelming turn.

Matt carefully explained to Colleen that because she’d been dead for nine months, she would have to sign a contract and go along with a cover story created by the Society Against Evil to explain her disappearance. In other words, Colleen had to _lie_ to the world about what happened to her because “the truth would cause mass panic.” It was all too much for the former Duchess/Disco Dancer to take in, that it nearly led her to a mental breakdown in her hospital bed.

When Matt brought up Rosanna and how he took comfort that the group was a team to the end, Colleen finally snapped, blurted out the truth, and told him everything. She kept rambling, shouting, sobbing, and as much as her mind screamed at her to stop, she couldn’t. By the time she finished the story, Matt’s demeanor had changed, his face an unreadable slate. Colleen couldn’t interpret what was going on with him, and she immediately regretted her outburst of the truth. Before she could apologize and do damage control, Colleen’s family burst in, and her focus switched to them. Through the hugs, kisses, and tears, Matt slipped out of the hospital room, and Colleen never saw him again.

Until today.

“I was going to tell you, but not like that,” Colleen continues somberly. “I’m sorry.”

Matt, who had been quiet the whole time, as if remembering that moment as well, stares back, empathy clouding his hazel eyes. “You were going through a lot,” he replies, his tone soft and understanding. “All that trauma and grief...I get it. At least you told me the truth. Even if it was an emotional angry outburst, I’ll take that over being lied to.”

“Yeah,” Colleen agrees. “But what happened to Ro, it wasn’t fair.” Guilt overcomes her again. “Honestly, it’s my fault too that she’s dead.”

“Colleen...” Matt begins to speak, as if to disagree.

“No, but it _is_!” she exclaims, cutting him off. “I was so angry and bitter from being murdered the first time, that when I died and came back a second time, I was _pissed_! This time, I wanted someone to pay!” New tears form within Colleen’s eyes as she remembers. “I knew at least one person in the group voted me into that stupid maze. And when we had to vote again in the Prehistoric exhibit, I wanted to know who it was that betrayed me. So I asked and Bretman confessed that it was him. He even apologized, which is more than what his best friend did, and that bitch _actually_ murdered me!” Talking about it brings a sour taste to Colleen’s mouth, triggering some anger of what went down. “I should have accepted his apology. I should have let it go, because at least he didn’t try to lie about it or even blame someone else!” She feels hot all over. She tries to calm herself down to avoid the stress, but it’s not working as she rambles on. “But _no_! I just _had_ to be a vengeful bitch! I just _had_ to hold a grudge and act like it was only fair that I vote him in to die, when in reality, I just wanted to get back at him and Nikita for what they did to me!” The shame eats Colleen inside, as her breathing begins to quicken. “Because of my selfishness, it led Joey to target Ro! In the end, my desire for revenge blew up in my face, and _Ro_ was the one who paid the price! Her blood might as well be on _my_ hands! I-”

“Colleen, _stop_!” Matt cuts in, his voice sharp like a knife as it slices through the air.

Colleen stops and looks at him, shocked by his sudden outburst. For a brief moment, all is quiet in the cemetery.

Matt calms himself, but his eyes betray overwhelming grief. His hands clutch the ground, tugging on fresh grass as if it would hold him in place. When he finally speaks, his voice shakes as he emphasizes his words. “You’re not going to do that.” He glances at Rosanna’s headstone, taking a deep breath before continuing. “You’re not going to blame yourself! Ro’s death was _not_ your fault! You are _not_ to blame for what happened!”

Colleen shakes her head. “But Matt-”

“No,” Matt interrupts, stern calmness in his tone. “You’re not to blame, Colleen. And I sure as heck don’t blame you!” He turns to the vlogger. “You said it yourself, you were angry, and you know what? You had _every_ right to be! After what you went through, of _course_ you would want someone to pay! After being killed twice, _anyone_ in that state of mind would want revenge! Like I told Bretman, you didn’t know any better.”

Now Colleen’s the one who’s confused. “What are you talking about?”

Matt’s eyes stare into hers, as if telling her that she knows exactly what he means. Then it hits her. “Oh!”

When Colleen told Matt the truth, she managed to leave out the part that along with Joey, Bretman may have also voted for Rosanna. Colleen doesn’t know what happened between the two while she was dead, but she did notice that the Playboy acted a bit cold towards the Socialite, as if harboring some sort of grudge of his own against her. Plus, he seemed _very_ on board with voting her into the final death challenge. But after Rosanna died, Bretman was very shaken about it, his face filled with unquestioning regret and guilt, far greater than hers and even Joey’s. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that the younger man’s remorse was not only because he beat the smaller girl in the challenge, but also condemned her because of a personal grudge.

Colleen didn’t mention it at the hospital for two reasons: there wasn’t any evidence to prove that Bretman actually voted for Rosanna, and even if there was, the beauty guru should be the one to confess that truth to Matt.

“Before he returned to Hawaii,” Matt explains, “Bretman stopped by my office and told me everything as well, including his role and why he did what he did. The poor kid was so ashamed and broken about it. Heck, I lost track of how many times he said he was sorry and that he was a...you know...what you call a female dog.”

“Really?” While a part of Colleen had a feeling Bretman would confess, she’s actually surprised that he felt a lot of pain for what he did. “And you forgave him?”

“Of _course_ I forgave him!” Matt shrugs. “Bretman could have just gone home and taken that secret to his grave. But instead, he went out of his way to see me. He knew how much Ro and I meant to each other, and he actually took the time to find me and tell the truth. We talked things through and parted on good terms; in fact, he's a pretty humble and sweet guy behind all that makeup and sass. I mean, sure, I’m sad and disappointed by what he did to Ro. But at the same time, I also understand why he did it, and it would be unfair of me to be unforgiving and resentful.” The theorist produces a smile. “I also understand why you didn’t rat him out.”

Colleen shrugs as well. “Bretman survived, so it was his secret to tell. I’m impressed he actually did it.”

Matt nods, a strand of his brown hair falling down his forehead. “At the end of the day, Bretman was just a kid caught in a terrifying situation that he shouldn’t have been a part of. He was just as scared and angry as you were, and like I said, it would be unfair to hold it against him.”

“I guess,” Colleen sighs as her fingers brush the stems of the fresh flowers laid on the grass. Sometimes, it amazes Colleen how even after the hell and heartbreak he went through this past year, Matt seems to have a way of simply letting things go and not be affected.

“We all make mistakes, Colleen, and we can never take them back,” Matt explains. “But we can either sit and wallow about it, or we can learn from them and move forward. Take steps to do better, _be_ better.”

Colleen nods her head in agreement. She believes as she heals that eventually, she will learn from her mistakes and grow. The vlogger even believes that Bretman will too. However, there are some people who don’t seem to learn from their mistakes. And she’s not just thinking about Joey.

“ _Tell_ that to Nikita,” Colleen mutters softly to herself. She senses Matt staring at her and knows he heard her. She roughly sighs. “It’s true! Matt, I actually believed she had changed! That she was there to help save us all too! But instead, Nikita only proved that she was still the same heartless, selfish, trouble-making bitch who helped murder me in Everlock. Not only did she sabotage me and make us lose, but after you disappeared, she didn’t even _try_ to do her job as a Guardian Angel and protect me! She just stood there and watched as I was attacked by that minotaur! I bet she even _smiled_ as I died!” New tears appear, this time filled with fury and hate for Nikita Dragun. “That fake-blonde bitch murdered me _twice_ , and both of those times, she wasn't at all remorseful about it! She didn’t even apologize for shoving me into that box of spikes, just made excuses and justified herself!” Anger spreads through Colleen like wildfire as she grips the grass, tearing off strands one by one. “Unlike Joey and Ro, Nikita wasn’t sorry for the way she hurt me in Everlock and she sure as _hell_ wasn’t sorry for the way she hurt me in Purgatory! If Joey hadn’t revived me with that wish, I’m pretty sure she would have blamed my death on _you_!”

While Colleen rages, Matt sits there listening, as conflicting emotions surround his whole being. The vlogger knows that she’s putting him in a difficult position between her and his survival partner. But Matt needed to understand how much Nikita hurt her. Hell, Colleen’s still trying to understand what the theorist even sees in the beauty guru that would make him think highly of her. What did _Joey_ ever see in her?

“I’m sorry, Colleen,” Matt replies, contemplating his words. “What happened to you in Everlock was a horrible situation overall. I may have been dead during that part, but even _I_ can understand how complicated it must have been for everyone. On one hand, you all had to betray and kill someone to cleanse that artifact. There was no other choice. But at the same time, _you_ were the one that got hurt from that choice, and you _do_ deserve an apology for it. As for what happened in the maze, I agree that Nikita’s actions were shady, and I will not condone them. And neither does she.” Matt turns to face Colleen. “I know you might find this hard to believe, but Nikita _did_ regret sabotaging you.”

Colleen snorts. “Only because I returned from the dead with a vengeance! She knew that she wasn’t going to get away with it this time!”

“Maybe,” Matt remarks. After a beat, he shifts his position so that he’s fully facing Colleen. “Look, I’m not defending the bad things she did; I’m really not. But while Nikita can be cold and a bit...competitive, she’s not _evil_. She and I were willing to take on another dangerous mission to save you guys, because we _both_ wanted to make things right. After everything that went down in Everlock, we owed it to you all. If Nikita was really selfish and heartless, as you say, she would have stayed home and enjoyed her life, content on letting her friends remain dead.”

As much as she doesn’t want to admit it, Colleen can’t disagree with that. The beauty guru was just as self-preserving as the vlogger was during those games. It surprised Colleen that even Nikita took the risk to help rescue the dead YouTubers.

“And for the record,” Matt adds on, “Nikita admitted that she cheated as soon as she got back.”

“Wait, seriously?” Colleen wasn’t expecting that. _Proud “bad bitch” Nikita Dragun actually took responsibility for something that was her fault?_

“Yes,” a small smile forming on Matt. He places a hand on her shoulder. “Again, I’m _not_ defending Nikita for what she did to you, Colleen. She may have done horrible things and hurt people to survive, but you know what? We _all_ did bad things during those nights in the name of survival! We _all_ hurt friends that we loved! But that doesn’t mean that we’re bad people!”

Colleen watches Matt, observing him as he talks about Nikita. “You really do care about her, don’t you?”

“I do,” Matt confirms, his body pulling into himself, his face recalling painful memories. “We both survived that town and endured so much loss and trauma from it. The first few months, we were so broken, unable to talk about it with our loved ones. And because Joey isolated himself from the world, the two of us had no one to turn to but each other. We both understood the pain and guilt the other felt, and by recovering together, it actually brought us closer as friends. As insane as it sounds, I now can’t even imagine _not_ having Nikita in my life.”

As Colleen listens, she begins to understand. The town of Everlock was basically Hell on Earth. Not only did Matt and Nikita survive its horrors, but it left them both a traumatic mess and scarred for life; especially Matt, the first to be brought back from the dead by Joey. At the time, Matt didn’t have anyone who understood his suffering, and because Joey was preoccupied with saving Colleen and the others, Nikita was the only one he could turn to. No one else could ever truly understand what the two went through except each other. Their bond was undeniable, Colleen noticed that during the time they were in Purgatory. She may never like Nikita, but the other woman was a support system for Matt, and vice versa. 

And Matt’s right about one thing: At the end of the day, anyone in their right mind would do whatever it took to survive, including Colleen herself. They’re only human.

But at the same time, it was still _her_ that was put through agonizing hell. She was hurt by those she trusted and lost everything, including an innocence and faith she may never get back. And it makes her mad.

“I get it, I really do,” Colleen stresses. “But Nikita still hurt me and never apologized for it! She has to pay for what she did!”

Clutching her pregnant stomach, Colleen begins to cry again. She sobs, her tears landing in the dirt, soaking the ground. She senses the angel statue staring at her, wondering if it’s Rosanna looking down with pity. Matt’s hand wraps around Colleen, the warmth burning into her skin. For some reason, she doesn’t shrug him off.

“I’m sorry,” she whimpers. Colleen wants to stop crying, but she can’t. Her emotions are dialed so high and it overwhelms her. _Stupid pregnancy hormones!_

“Don’t be sorry,” Matt reassures her. “I know I sound like a broken record by now, but you have every right to be upset. You’re the one who’ll have to live with all that baggage.”

 _Exactly!_ Colleen wants to shout. She may have survived, but Colleen has to live with the emotional and psychological trauma of the torture she was put through those two nights. There may not be physical scars on her body, but those scars definitely melded into her soul. She will continue to have nightmares of both her deaths and the deaths of the friends who didn’t make it. What the vlogger went through is a whole entire new level of PTSD and she isn’t sure how she’ll ever recover from it. How is she supposed to live her life and raise a child when her mind is a fucked-up mess?

“And trust me,” Matt continues. “There’s no need for revenge. Nikita _is_ paying for what she did.”

Colleen wipes her eyes, curious. “How? What happened?”

Matt shakes his head, obviously not going to betray his partner. “Just trust me when I say that she is.”

Colleen looks at the brunette man and notices his sadness has changed on his face as he stares at Rosanna’s grave. This time, it’s mixed with anger. For some reason, Colleen seems to know why. “This isn’t just about Nikita, is it? You’re thinking about Joey too.”

The theorist sighs as he takes his hand off Colleen and places it on the headstone. “I feel like a hypocrite, given everything I just said. But the truth is...”

There’s a pause as Matt tries to find what to say, but Colleen understands. In his eyes, there’s conflicting fury towards their former friend and “savior,” mixed with betrayal.

“I know, honey,” she reassures him.

Honestly, Colleen doesn’t blame Matt for still harboring resentment towards Joey. Not just for what the Savant did to Rosanna, but for what he did to all their friends, especially to her and Matt. Joey may have brought them both back to life, but he was also the one who killed them in the first place. All because they called him out for lying and endangering his friends on purpose.

Sure, Colleen knows now that it was to bring everyone back to life and make things right, but the ends don’t justify the means. Joey Graceffa saved their lives, but he also ruined them. And now, he’s MIA, with no one, not even the Society Against Evil, knowing where he is or if he’s even alive.

The vlogger tries to help fill in the words. “What he did to Rosanna was terrible. He saved me, and I’m grateful for that, but he was supposed to save her too. Watching her die that way, it was horrible! Honestly, it’s a good thing you weren’t there to see her like that.”

It’s now Colleen’s turn to comfort Matt by placing her hand on his shoulder. Like her, Matt accepted the comforting gesture, even taking her hand in the process.

“You and Bretman didn’t know any better,” Matt reiterates himself from earlier. “Joey, on the other hand, _did_! I've always been a forgiving man, I even forgave him for Everlock. But this…this cannot be forgiven!" His fingers sketch against Rosanna's carved name, his eyes watching each stroke. "Ro loved Joey, she _trusted_ him, and he broke her heart. For that, I will _never_ forgive him.”

Colleen folds her lips in, knowing his resentment. “I understand. This is all so complicated. But, like me, your feelings are valid.”

Matt wipes his own tears and takes another deep breath. He turns to Colleen. “I’ll tell you what, let’s make a deal! Whenever we’re together, I promise never to bring up Nikita if you promise to never bring up Joey. It’s clear that they trigger us in some way that’s not healthy.”

Colleen smiles, very much into that idea. “Deal!” she agrees as she holds out her hand. Matt takes it, and the two shake on it.

For a moment, the two sit in silence by Rosanna’s grave, taking time to calm down and be in the moment. After about a minute, Colleen slowly starts to stand.

“Well, then!” she says as she brushes the dirt off her dress. “I should probably head back before my mom freaks out. She hates having me out of her sight for a certain amount of time, and I don’t want to worry her.”

“I get it,” Matt agrees as he, too, stands up. “Same thing happened with my parents when I returned. But I should probably go too. I still have some scripts to write, and I want to get them done before four o’clock. Today’s Beach Walk Day.”

“Huh?” Colleen stares, confused, almost wanting to laugh at the title.

Matt chuckles. “As part of my therapy, Stephanie and I would select a day every week to leave work early and go for a walk on the beach with Ollie. It helps clear my head and create a sense of calm and safety. It reminds me that I’m here, I’m alive, and I’m with the two most important people in my life.”

“Wow,” Colleen replies, moved by such a thing. “That sounds lovely, actually.”

Matt smiles at the thought. “Yeah, it is. Anytime I'm triggered by my death, Steph is always there to ground me.”

“Wait, she _knows_?” Colleen asks, surprised by this new piece of information. “But I thought you said the cover story prevented us from telling _anyone_?”

“It does,” Matt explains, “to the rest of the world. But after we were rescued last year, Joey persuaded the Society to create ‘loopholes’ where at least one or two family members, or people we trust, are included into the truth in order to help the survivor recover. In my case, I have both my parents and Stephanie.”

“Huh,” Colleen muses on this. “So _that_ must have been the reason why they keep calling me!" The vlogger's relieved to hear this news. That means she won't have to lie to her family and soon-to-be husband. "So your wife knows everything?”

The theorist nods as he shuffles his feet, digging into the dirt. “I would have told Stephanie anyway. We’ve been together for fourteen years, and married for almost seven. I wasn’t going to keep something like that from her, even if what I went through is hard to believe. We have never lied to each other, and I wasn’t going to start then. And even if I did lie, she would’ve seen right through it. By knowing the truth, we were able to communicate and help one another, especially since we welcomed our child barely a day _after_ my return. In fact, it’s made our marriage stronger, as well as better parents to Ollie.” As he speaks, Matt's smile grows, his face lighting up as he talks about his family. “In a strange way, having died really put things into perspective for me. It taught me that I should never take life for granted, nor the people in it. I was given a second chance to live and be the best son, husband and father that I can be. Sure, I still deal with the nightmares, the panic attacks, and times where I still feel the pain the Strong Man inflicted on me. Heck, there are times where I feel out of place, that I shouldn’t be alive, that I stole that from others more deserving. I would feel like a part of me is missing, a part that I can never get back, and it hurts to think about it. But at the end of the day, I’m reminded that I have amazing, doting parents, an incredible, loving wife and partner who is patient and supportive, and a beautiful, healthy son that I can now watch grow up to be an amazing person. For that, I’m so grateful.”

For the upteenth time today, Colleen cries. This time, however, it’s happy tears. Hearing Matt talk about what happened to him and how he’s recovering...Colleen knows that feeling. She gets it. She did ask Matt about his death and resurrection when he came to Purgatory, but it’s only now that it actually sets in for her.

Colleen always thought that it was Joey who would understand, that he would be the only one who could help her through this trauma. Then he disappeared, and she never felt so alone. Even with her family, with Erik, Colleen felt so misunderstood. Until now.

Matt continues to stare at Colleen, empathy surrounding his face. “I know it seems hard now, like you won’t ever be okay. I felt the same way when I came back. But I promise, it gets easier over time.”

He steps forward and slowly places his hand on her arm. “You’re going to be okay, Colleen. You’re surrounded by people who care about you. You have a fiance who loves you, and soon enough, a baby who will love you. Lean on them, _trust_ them, and I promise, you will find that rainbow at the end of the storm.”

The last comment makes Colleen chuckle. “That’s so cheesy!”

Matt flashes his signature goofy grin. “Well, I am a cheesy guy!”

As both laugh, Colleen starts to feel better, even just a little.

“The thing is, I agree with you,” Colleen explains. “But I doubt even your wife and parents truly understand what you went through, having died then be brought back. And I don’t think Erik and my family will truly understand with me. I don’t think anyone will ever truly understand! Not like you and I!”

A sudden thought comes into her mind and for a moment, Colleen is hesitant to ask. Can she really trust Matt with it? _Screw it, at this point what do I have to lose?_

“Matt, only you seem to understand my situation better than anyone else,” Colleen slowly explains. “Is...is there a chance that you...you could maybe...maybe help me? At least with the whole ‘having died then being resurrected and living with it’ part?”

Matt stares at her, surprised that she’s asking him such a thing. It isn't a bad surprise, but his appearance is so ambiguous that Colleen isn’t sure if even he's willing to put in time to help a hot mess like her.

Within seconds, Matt answers, his voice filled with a lot of emotions. “Colleen, I...of course I will help you! Thank you!”

“No, thank you!” Colleen smiles before letting out a chuckle. “I mean, it’s the least you can do after screwing up in the maze!”

This brings a scowl to the theorist’s face. “Oh come on! I thought you said you didn’t blame me for that?”

Colleen flashes a Cheshire Cat grin. “True, but honestly, honey, you _should_ have known that Nikita was going to pull something like that! Consider this making it up to me.”

“Fine!” Matt playfully groans, making them both laugh. Colleen missed joking with others, so this felt nice.

“Alright, I should really get going,” Colleen says. “I have your number, so I’ll give you a call to set things up.”

“Sounds good,” Matt replies. He looks back at the grave. “I’m just going to hang with Ro for a bit longer, but I look forward to it.”

Colleen nods. “Yeah, me too. I’ll see you later!”

She waves to Matt, who returns the gesture. But as Colleen turns to head back to her own gravestone, she stops for a second. There’s one more thing she needs to know.

“Matt?” Colleen turns back to her fellow resurrected. He looks back at her, and their eyes meet.

Colleen feels embarrassed, but if she’s to move forward, she needs to be certain of something. “May I...may I hug you?”

Matt doesn’t give an answer, but he doesn’t need too. With a grateful smile, the theorist walks over to her and wraps his long arms around her pregnant body. As her own arms take him into her embrace, Colleen waits for it. She waits for that “fight or flight” feeling that she had since her glass exhibit broke at the museum, she waits for that voice telling her that Matt can’t be trusted, that he's going to hurt her too. She waits for that dread and anxiety whenever uncertain if someone has nefarious intentions or something to hide.

But that’s not what Colleen feels. Instead, she feels the loving warmth, comfort, and sense of safety that she mostly gets when she’s with her mom, Kory, and Erik. She feels her heart burst with the happiness and calm she gets when surrounded by Todrick, Lilly, Rachel, and her niece and nephews. Instead of her inner voice in fear, she hears a voice that’s content, that’s telling her “it’s going to be okay! He’s not going to hurt you, you can trust him!”

For the first time in a while, Colleen actually believes she’s going to be okay.

“Thank you,” she whispers to Matt as the two break apart. Matt’s eyes have fresh new tears, and Colleen can only imagine how much this must mean for him.

“Of course! And thank you!” he replies. The two smile at each other one more time before Colleen squeezes his shoulder and turns to leave.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” she promises as she backs away and heads towards Erik, who she spots waiting for her across the cemetery. Matt gleefully smiles as he nods his head and waves, obviously looking forward to it. Colleen knows _she_ is.

As she heads back to her family, Colleen feels a new resolve within her. She’s still not okay, but she now believes that after some recovery and work, she will be. It will be a long and hard road, no doubt; even a bit scary. But after being given a second chance at life (or third in her case), Colleen owes it to herself, her family, the friends she lost, and the life that’s growing inside of her.

Eventually, Colleen will find peace and learn to live again.

There’s just one more thing left to do.

Taking out her phone, Colleen scrolls through her contacts till she finds who she’s looking for. Selecting the name, she begins to type her message.

_Hi Bretman! It’s Colleen! I know it’s been a while and feels very out of the blue, but you were in my mind and I thought I’d send a text. I hope you’re doing better. If it’s okay, I would very much like to talk to you. I understand if you don’t, but if you do, may I call you tonight?_

After a brief hesitation, Colleen presses _Send_. As soon as she reaches Erik, her phone dings in response.

_Hell yeah, sis! Talk to you soon!_

Colleen smile brightens. Everything is going to be all right. She feels it.

She believes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed that. I kept thinking what Colleen would be like after everything she went through, and I no doubt believe she and Matt would form a bond on their common PTSD. They were such an underrated friendship.  
> Please leave a comment and tell me what you thought, until next time!

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a two parter so expect the next chapter soon once the challenge is over.
> 
> Up Next: Matt and Colleen go to Rosanna's grave where they learn they have a lot more in common than before and relieve some things off their chests.


End file.
